Category: stupid

I was thinking of taking up boxing, only thing is I’m allergic to cardboard.

I recently had to do some community service for vandilism, I had a choice between working at the pub I vandalised or going to prison. Obviously I chose prison, it was either that or 48 hours behind bars.

I gathered everyone together. “I heard several monkey chants today as I’m sure you all did. This is totally unacceptable in this day and age, and if it happens again I will have no hesitation in packing my bags and leaving.” There was a short silence in the room before someone asked, “Is this your […]

My girlfriend said “How do I lower the lights in the lounge?” I told her “Use the dimmer switch” She replied “They all look the same colour to me”

After a 30 mile police chase on the M1 yesterday I decided that the best thing to do was to pull over and continue on foot. It was at this point the criminal got away, Sir.

I was out walking in the woods today when I saw a bigfoot. That hunter costume he had on wasn’t fooling me!

Brit: Are you going to the London Olympics in 2012? American: That depends, where’s it being held?

I just received a letter and on the front it read, “URGENT delivered by hand ” I thought, “wow that’s a shock, I usually get my mail teleported on to my door matt.”

I went for an interview today for a job as a fortune teller, thinking i’d be able to wing it. it was all going fine until they asked me where i saw myself in 5 years.

I went to the newsagents at 3am this morning to get some milk but it was shut. There was a sign on the door that read: ‘Only 2 School Children Are Allowed In At Anytime’. So I woke my kids up and sent them to the shop instead.

Yo mamma’s so fat she fell in love and broke it

I’ve never understood why people talk about “solving” world hunger, as if it’s some sort of riddle? Surely the answer is to just give the world some food?

My friend came up to me earlier, saying ‘Did you hear? Dave has been knifed!’ I said, ‘That’s forked up!’ He frowned at me. ‘Too spoon?’

My wife said she wanted a vibrator which didn’t need batteries. She wasn’t happy when I bought her an epileptic ferret.

My wife says I don’t understand irony which is funny because all my clothes have irony marks because of her negligence.