Category: stupid

I was driving my car along the motorway when the police stopped me. “Sir, where’s the body?” Asked one cop. “Search all you want, you’ll not find one, you have nothing on me so let me go!” I shouted back. “I can’t let you drive away in a car with no roof or sides” he […]

I was just about to fill up my tank at the petrol station when I suddenly realised that I’d accidently parked it on top of somebody’s car.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

I got into a taxi and started shouting ‘Stop, don’t drive, stay here!’ ‘That type of language won’t get you anywhere’, the driver said.

if you hit me at 30 mph there is a 80% i’ll live if you hit me at 40 mph there is a 80% i’ll die THINK! Hit me at 70 and nothing will happen.

Wind farms would turn much faster if they had engines fitted to them

My Girlfriend says that I stereotype too much, but all women say that.

My dog reckons he could make me a fortune. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

My company needed some computer software; at PC World, I was shown a program and told “This will do half your work for you.” So I bought two copies.

I saw a fat ginger woman sitting at the bar last night, so I thought it would be funny to try and pull her. She instantly fell backwards off the stool and cracked her head open on the floor.

My mate says that my insults are “Too long winded, and ridiculous.” Like I really care what that pork sword forehead thinks anyway.

I called my first son ‘Junior’. Junior called his son ‘Junior Junior’ Junior Junior called his son ‘Junior Junior Junior’ Junior Junior Junior called his son ‘Junior Junior Junior Junior’ Junior Junior Junior Junior called his son ‘Junior Junior Junior Junior Junior’ And do you know what it made me think? Shouldn’t I be dead […]

One thing I hate is unpredictable jokes. Said the lion with horse legs.

When playing bingo… Do gypsies shout out Caravan?

I went to Tesco today and threw all of the bread on the floor. The manager came over and said, “Excuse me sir, what are you doing?” I said, “I’m buying that shelf for 89p.”