Category: stupid

I’m setting up a website to help you find the word constructive in a dictionary. It’s under construction.

My kids will never forget the first time I took them to see the pigs, the cows, and sheep. “A farm, you mean” suggested my mate. “No. A slaughter house”.

I saw on the news about a 3 year old girl and a baby lion sharing a cot and playing together, they seemed so happy. That your honour is why I let the adult lioness into the house, I thought my wife could use the company while I was at work

We all know what they say about men with big feet. “Inaccuracy like that is why we should switch to the metric system.”

I’m a pensioner and the other day I opened the door to find four 12-year-olds in tracksuits asking to read my meter. Hats off to the gas board for giving these youngsters such valuable work experience.

I went to draw some cash last night. There was a sign on the machine that said “Insert Card Face Up.” So I put the card in and looked at the moon for a bit.

Phillip Schofield on ‘This morning’: “I’m a donor, when I’m gone people can have what they want” I’m having his money.

I was arrested at lunchtime for hitting an old woman. It’s not my fault. Someone at work told me it was pensioner punch, first day of the month.

I’ve just seen a fat bird smoking outside the pub. I walked over and said, “Do you mind if I pinch your snout?” She held out her cigarette and said, “Go for it.” So I squeezed her nose and said, “Thanks.”

You don’t know how much you love someone until they’re gone. So when my wife asked for my love, I decided to kill her.

My wife accused me of not understanding rhetoric. “Haha, Do I know what rhetoric is?” I said “Of course I do”

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for in case of such emergencies.

“When you sold me this car you told me it was rust-free.” I said to the car salesman “Well, we didn’t charge you for the rust, did we?” He replied.

My family said that buying things from eBay is very risky as you can’t guarantee authenticity. What do they know? I reckon they’re jealous of my new Anglo Saxon CD rack.

My stupid boss jumped to his death from our office block today, clutching his iPad. The police expected a suicide note, but found he had just switched it to ‘airplane mode’…