Category: stupid

Just had a train run over my feet, probably my own fault for wearing platforms.

The house hunting at the weekend was a success, I shot 2 semi’s & an end of terrace.

I was chatting to the wife about Prince, and how he changed his name to a symbol. “Oh, like that bloke from Guns and Roses”? She said, “who changed his name to a punctuation mark”? “What”? I replied. “You know”, she said, “Slash”.

‘Gillette M3 Power Razor’…. ‘For best results, use with Gillette M3 Power blades and Gillete Mach3 Turbo Gel’… So you’ve tested the Gillette razor with the Wilkinson range of accessories, have you?….just in case.

My wife just told me she’s leaving me because all my jokes have irrelevant and depressing punchlines. The Holocaust.

Little Johnny walked into the house shortly before noon. “Johnny,” his mother cried, ” what are you doing home from school so early?” “I got the right answer to the question,” said Johnny. Looking confused his mother asked, “Which question was that?” “Who put glue on teacher’s chair?”

My wife went on one of those new water diets. Poor thing didn’t lose any weight, she gained twenty gallons.

I switched the radio off after listening to five minutes of drum solo. He’s not as interesting as his brother Han.

When I was at school, there was a busy teacher called Mark King. There was a lad who sold drugs called Charlie Sellers. Then we had a P.E. teacher called Roger Kidd. He’s in prison now. Something to do with fraud.

My gran was telling me yesterday how she was conned by a bogus workman. I said, “Gran, stop talking like that, Bill and Ted just aren’t cool anymore.”

I had one of those horrible moments this morning when I confused my wife’s hair removal cream with the toothpaste. Mind you, my legs have never smelled so minty.

I don’t know about you lot, but I think we’re in for a bad spell of wether.

Be honest. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that youre going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch […]

I was telling my friend how some people swap Family Members for Popstars “Take my Uncle for Example…”

You think Hitler was bad? My uncle wasn’t accepted into art school either, and he became a traffic warden instead.