Category: stupid

I burst out into the aisle of the plane and yelled, “Does anybody know how to fly one of these things!?” Everybody stared on in horrified silence… As the stewardess calmly asked me to sit down and put the kite away.

I made a large fiddle out of rotten cheese. It’s a fetid cello

I haven’t been able to sleep a wink with this whole changing the clocks back thing. I remembered to turn all the clocks back an hour when the clock struck 02:00, then just as I was congratulating myself on a job well done on my way to bed, the clock struck 02:00 again…..

A mugger grabbed me in an alleyway and demanded that I give him all of my money, I sold the house, the car, my shares in the company and emptied all of my bank accounts. Turns out I could have just given him my wallet.

Last night my son shouted downstairs, “Dad! My tooth has just fallen out into my drink.” “That’s great, son” I said, “Put it under your pillow and see what happens.” A few seconds later he shouted, “Nothing’s happened dad, now my bed is completely soaked.”

Note to all females. If you leave your headband lying around, we will put it over our eyes and pretend to be Commander Geordi La Forge.

My wife said she was worried about our teenage son’s obsession with always wearing baby clothes. I said, “Don’t worry, he’ll grow out of it.”

My friend is a contortionist who has been out of work for a while. He said he can no longer make ends meet.

My wife says I’m a salesman’s dream, because I will buy anything. We’ll see who’s laughing when radio does go 3D

I have a theory that it’s impossible to prove anything. But I can’t prove it.

I walked past a nightclub last night and noticed that all of the women in the queue were really fat. Then I noticed the sign on the door, “Over 18’s Only’.

The moon landing was real. It was at the top of the moon stairs.

My wife left me over breakfast last Monday because of my obsession with randomly speaking French. I think she had Un Oeuf with me.

If I had a cookie for every time I forgot the beginning of a sentence, I would have a million Pounds!!!

I had loads to drink last night, so before I went into work I made sure I had plenty of mints just in case anyone could smell alcohol on my breath. Despite this, within minutes, the Boss came up and told me leave the premises until I’d sobered up. “How did you know I was […]