Category: stupid

Yum, microwaved corned beef hash… instructions say “cook on full power for 7 mins… slightly agitate tray then cook for a further 4″… I can understand cooking it on full power but i dont see how me opening the microwave to shout obscenities at it helps the cooking process

A bloke just knocked on my door and said, “Hi, I thought I’d let you know that you’ve left your lights on”. I said, “Yeah I know mate, I can’t see my way around the house otherwise”.

The safest place to be during a plane crash is curled up in a fetal position on the floor as far away as possible from a plane crash.

I’ve just blown a trumpet. It didn’t move very far.

I’ve always looked up to my parents. They’re giraffes.

There’s nothing worse than screaming kids on a packed bus. Everybody looks at you thinking, “Why is he screaming that?”

Women are proof of reincarnation.You can’t get that stupid in one lifetime.

It takes two to tango. Well if I need to find another person I’ll just have a Fanta

My wife died last night after a long battle with Dementia. Dementia is the name of my new Pitt bull.

I was sunbathing the other day with my kids. Then my son poured something down my back. “This will make you brown” He said I said to him “What is it?” He said “Gravy!”

I’m starting to think Rihanna’s last name is (featuring).

I hate how I’m treated at the job centre After knowing the staff for 25 years you’d think they would show me some respect.

I’ve started to use a pint of milk as an alarm clock. I always wake up when it goes off.

I went for a job in the Navy and the officer asked me, “Can you swim?” “Why? Have you got no boats?” I replied.

I’ve had the song Orinocco Flow stuck in my head for a week now. I would go to the doctor but I’m worried he’d diagnose an Enyarysm.