Category: stupid

My mate just said to me, “If you became invisible, what would you do first?” I said, “I’d go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat him to death; the round of applause he’d get would be astounding.”

Sometimes when I post a joke I can’t help but laugh.I know pretty well Royal Mail will never have it delivered in time.

i just spent 15 minutes staring in the mirror to catch myself blinking, i missed everytime.

I used to rip it out of the fat kids. Then I lost my job as a liposuction surgeon.

My wife thinks my gambling addiction is getting worse. “You’ve even started spread betting,” she said. “I’m sorry love,” I cried, “but I got really good odds on our son having marmalade on his toast this morning.”

While on safari, I saw a group of hippo’s voting as to whether another member of the group should be expelled for having a large mouth. Hippocracy at it’s prime.

How many lightbulbs does it take to change a surrealist? Twelve, but they’ll need a go-cart.

I love my new apple product for fishermen, the main use is to put worms on the hook. It’s called the iMasterBait, my wrist is a little bit sore from all the use I got from it though.

I always seem to cry at Weddings. Especially the one I went to yesterday when the Vicar said, “I’m afraid your Bride hasn’t turned up”.

I am in the army and my sergeant said to me, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning!” To which I replied, “Oh, thank you very much, sir!”

Got the results of my blood test today. Not bad, I got an A.

My friends once said that Star Trek only interests overweight, spotty, asthmatic, masturbating losers. How wrong they were. I don’t have asthma.

I once cornered the market in soggy cardboard boxes. It was all going great until the bottom fell out of it.

I don’t care what anyone says, but maybe that’s because I’m deaf.

I can’t make my mind up if my imaginary girlfriend is keeping our baby or having an abortion.