Category: stupid

I’m so unlucky, last night i walked into a dark alley & guy pulled out a knife & said “You’re in the wrong place at the wrong time” I thought “Great, I’m lost AND I’m late” Unlucky or what!?

Seven pirates and a parrot walk into Pizza Hut and the woman behind the counter says, “What can I get you?” The parrot squawks, “Pizzas for eight, Pizzas for eight.”

I’ve just read somewhere that the most dangerous thing in the kitchen is the chip pan. The most dangerous thing in my kitchen is me without a sandwich!

I’ve been using Cash 4 Gold a lot lately and they have sent me a letter saying I had a “Gold Membership” Unfortunately, I couldn’t hand myself in.

My granddad was never one for wearing seatbelts. He died falling out of a roller-coaster.

I’ve been trying to think all day what it is that Pandas eat and I still can’t remember. I’m Bamboozled.

I applied for a job as a Child Psychologist but apparently I’m too old.

I took out life insurance on my wife without her knowing, and she hit the roof. She doesn’t know about it, I’ve just got her replacing ridge tiles without a cat ladder.

When you lose your keys they are always in the last place you look. So now I just look in one place, that way I find them first time.

UNO Number 1 game in Spain.

I came home from a night out and my wife said, “Your jumper is the wrong way around.” “Is it?” I asked, looking in the mirror. “Yes, I can’t believe you’ve been walking around like that all night” she continued, “You look ridiculous.” “I thought it was a bit loose on the neck” I said, […]

My local pet shop have banned me from buying any more animals off them over claims I’m irresponsible. It wasn’t my fault my tortoise ran away.

I’ve got this thing that makes the noise of a cow when you turn it upside down. It’s a cow.

I’m that hungry, I could eat a human. Said the starving horse.

My dog can talk. Last night I asked him what 2 minus 2 was & he said nothing.