Category: stupid

Art, music, cookery… Truly, there is no start to my talents.

My wife put my dinner in front of me. I looked at it, then picked it up, threw it at the wall and screamed, “I WOULDN’T FEED THAT TO A PIG!” Terrified, and crying her eyes out, she said, “Err, …why not?” I said, “BECAUSE IT’S PORK AND THAT WOULD BE CANNIBALISM! …now can I […]

I was in america, and someone told me about a spelling bee. Europe lacks talking animals.

WWI would never have happened if Franz Ferdinand didn’t ask someone to take him out.

A ghost walks through a bar…

I went to the psychiatrist I said, “I can hear voices.” “I see,” He replied, “How many?” “Just the two at the moment.” I replied. “And can I ask how often you hear these voices?” He asked. “Whenever you or I speak.” I replied.

I’m in the process of making a film about an old lady that wins at a raffle. It’ll be called, ‘Grandma’s Number’. The sequel should be even better. ‘Grandma’s Number 2’

I once tried to be a fish farmer. It was a complete disaster though. I think I planted them to early.

My girlfriend’s leaving me because I do everything for her. So I hacked her Facebook account and defriended myself.

I’m so fed up of my missus calling me thick that half of me wants to punch her right in the face But the other two thirds say “nah she’s not worth it”

I lowered my ride six inches, fitted it with a spoiler, and put a subwoofer in the rear. That’s when they asked me to leave the horse show.

I used to love tapeworms. Until CD worms took over

Now that my father is pushing daisies I’ve decided to follow his example. Cow tipping is a great hobby.

After five long years I’ve finally kicked the sauce. I think I’m going to miss my Lea and Perrins.

People go on about how stupid the Americans must be to have a full holiday devoted to a film staring Will Smith. I’m more concerned about the one in which they give thanks to an ageing Irish goalkeeper.