Category: stupid

I’ve just been to an onions funeral. Made me cry.

My girlfriend said, “I don’t want you wearing a condom anymore when we’re making love.” “Oh sweetie, are we starting a family then?” I giggled. “No, you just look stupid with your ears all squashed up in it.”

Gonna watch the Queens speech on the telly this afternoon. I just find it really comfy up there.

If plan A fails remember you have 25 letters left.

I took my 2 dogs rabbiting today. They do a great Chas ‘n’ Dave tribute.

I was overjoyed when a letter from my Psychiatrist told me I no longer needed treatment. “Thanks!” I said. “No problem”, it replied.

my math teacher always wanted to see my working out.. not sure how sit ups & push ups were relevant though.

Ive just bought my girlfriend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so she would know when to stop unwrapping.

I’ve just taken all of the money out of my bank and now I don’t know what I’m going to do for the next few weeks. I suppose I’ll just have to get rid of my balaclava & gun and lay low for a bit.

Microsoft recently announced that they’re releasing Windows 7 in Europe without an internet browser and users will have to download and install one for themselves. Anyone else see a key flaw with this?

When I’m bored and feeling down, I like to put my whole vodka collection in to a lift and press up…. It really raises my spirits.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? Anything – however don’t expect the deer to register your language.

I’ve gathered you here because I’d like to say a few words. A few words.

My boss called me to his office today, and said “You’re fired.” I replied “No, YOU’RE fired!” I’ve always believed in fighting fire with fire.

My wife is on the Cyclops diet. She’s always got one eye on the fridge.