Category: stupid

I was staying in a hotel on my mates stag do last weekend. I phoned the hotel at 3am and said, “I’m currently on the 1st floor going up to the 7th floor but the lift is broken.” She said, “I’ll send somebody up.” About 15 minutes later the manager came up and said, “How […]

My next door neighbours pit bull attacked our cat today. My kids looked on screaming as I ran out and beat him to a pulp with a baseball bat. Well, the dog was going to kill him anyway so I thought it was the kindest thing to do.

If life throws you lemmings, you’re probably dyslexic.

This year some people really went all out for Halloween. The guy driving behind me last night even got sirens and flashing lights to go with his police costume.

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we’ve just been told our jobs are moving to India. I’m so excited! I’ve always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I’ll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.

I recently got a job working on a building site. On the first day, I felt sure someone would ask me to go and get something that didn’t exist like striped paint or something… Sure enough; someone asked me to go find an AIR AMBULANCE… Well I played them at the own game – Took […]

I remember my girlfriend looking up at me, as I stuck it in for the first time; pumping away, trying not to get too excited while a man watched us through a window. Filling up fuel for the first time was quite the experience.

I woke up this morning and my wife had me in a headlock. I think she had a wrestlers nights sleep.

What has eight legs and one eye? Two chairs and half a pig’s head.

My son just asked me whether Bambi was a boy or a girl. What an idiot. It was a Deer.

My horse did well in his exam last week at school. He got a neigh.

My dad gave me a riddle yesterday. He said, “Now then Steven, I am my father’s brother’s daughter’s only cousin. Who am I?” That really confused me. I’m called Dave.

In Fairytale News: The Pied Piper has 12 rats behind him. More to follow.

My wife ridiculed my efforts to become self-sufficient. She’ll be sorry when those pigs start laying eggs.

For me, the sixties ended the day I sold my old camper van. December 31st, 1969.