Category: stupid

I’m sure people think my girlfriend’s a drug dealer…this one guy keeps ringing her up asking if the dope’s gone yet…

” Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains” ” I’m sorry, I can’t help you. I’m a General Practictioner. You obviously have mental health issues. I could refer you to a specialist if you wish”?

Pinocchio: “Conversely, however, in conjecture, additionally, furthermore” Geppetto: “Pinocchio, what on earth are you going on about?” Pinocchio: “I like big buts and I cannot lie”

I was shocked when my mum told me my real dad was an escort. How does she expect me to believe a car can make babies.

When I was feeding my son earlier, my wife said to me, “Pretend that his dinner is an aeroplane, he likes that.” I said, “Okay” and threw his plate across the room. She was right, he laughed his nuts off.

My son has asked for a set of goalposts this Christmas… I don’t know why though, he already has two jumpers.

I taught my son everything I knew, and he was none the wiser.

It took me nearly 20 minutes to get home in the pouring rain last night, I was soaked from head to toe. As I finally made it outside my house, my wife opened the bedroom window and shouted, “That’s not very clever Dave, is it?” “I can’t odds the weather, love” I replied. She said, […]

The advertising on this site: “You are the 999,999th visitor: Congratulations you WON!” Is it me, or is it really ironic that people who are actually stupid enough to believe this are the sort of people we are on here to make jokes about?

I can spot an Indian woman from a mile away. With my new extremely long red marker pens.

The school just phoned me and said, “We found your son in possession of cocaine today, do you have any idea where he got it from?” I said, “Probably his great grandad, he used to take cocaine to school.”

As I left work today, my boss said to me, “I know your hours are 9am-5pm, but can you work an hour later tomorrow?” I said, “Yeah, no problem, I’ll see you at 10.”

I would give both my hands to be able to read Braille.

As I sat down to eat my dinner today, that Unicef ad came on the Tv. Apparently there are 7 million children ill, starving or dying. I looked down at my plate of Steak, chips, mushrooms and fried onions, I felt a sickness in my stomach… I can’t stand onions!

I taped two bottles of Evian to the bottom of my feet today. People looked on in astonishment as I walked on water.