Category: stupid

A policeman just stopped me and asked me if I knew anybody that was selling drugs in the area? I said, “Yeah why, what are you after?”

I asked my little boy what he wanted to be when he was older. He thought about it for a second and replied: “Six foot, three.”

I was standing in a nightclub with my mate last night when he said to me, “You’ve pulled three women and I’ve pulled none. Can you give me any advice?” “You just need to be yourself,” I replied. “What do you mean?” he asked. I said, “Lose the batman costume.”

I was doing some work on my roof when my neighbour walked by. “Hiya Dave” she said, “Isn’t it a bit dangerous up there?” I replied, “Yes, but telling me to go up further isn’t really going to help is it?”

I’m going to be running a ‘football for giants’ league next year. I’ve just been elected president of FIFAFOFUM!

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

I went to see the Doctor, “You’ve got to help me Doc. I keep hearing voices in my head.” “Ok,” he replied, “Have you tried taking your headphones off?”

Add The Queen as a Facebook friend by sticking a stamp to your computer screen.

“Well Johnny,” said his father, “how did your first riding lesson go?” “Great Dad,” said Johnny. “I made friends with the horse and I even gave him a drink of water.” Dad smiled and said, “I think you are supposed to say you watered the horse.” “Am I?” said Johnny. “All right, I watered the […]

Got into a fight at the pub last night. It all started when he hit me back.

I met a director who was a mute today He was all action,no mouth

I wrote the book on learning to read. We sold twelve copies.

One day I want to become a famous actor and win an Oscar, just so I can paint it green and stick it in a tiny dustbin.

I avoid deadly diseases like the plague.

A girl who worked in my restaurant cut her finger off today. “Quick!” she shouted, “get me some frozen peas from the freezer” “We’ve only got frozen carrots” I replied, “I’ll just run to the shop and get some.”