Category: stupid

I told my wife I’d bought a time machine but she didn’t believe me so I pulled out a gun. She said, “That’s a gun you idiot, not a time machine.” “Yeah I know,” I replied as I shot her in the head and killed her, “but now I can go back and start my […]

I was staring down the barrel of a 45 when I thought,”I’m not so sure I’m pointing this thing in the right direction.”

I went fly tipping last night. God knows what they’ll spend their money on.

Not only am I not drunk, but this tape doesn’t taste anything like Scotch.

How are the Dutch allowed to enter two teams in the world cup?

I’ve just been to the Auctioneer’s but they were closed. There was a sign in the window that read: “Going, going, gone to lunch.”

I said to my mate, “My cat can say her own name!” He said, “That’s amazing! What’s she called?” I replied, “Meow.”

My wife is always nagging me to take the bins out. But somehow I’m the weird one when I try and get them on the bus.

I finally managed to get over my Michael Jackson addiction… I just beat it.

“Fight fire with fire”.. ..is not the best excuse for petrol bombing the local school while it is testing its fire alarms. Trust me.

Every day when I go to work, I follow in my fathers footsteps. He walked across the drive before the cement was dry.

I just love sitting naked behind my computer. My boss doesn’t.

My geography teacher is brilliant. I wouldn’t swap him for all the tea in Denmark.

My friend had a mission to taste every dried fruit in existence. At one point he fell a bit behind his schedule, but don’t worry – he’s now up to date.

“And here’s one I made earlier!” In hindsight, probably not the best way to introduce my illegitimate child to my wife.