Category: stupid

I set the fire alarm off in my apartment about once a week. That way, when I’m standing outside naked, I won’t get arrested.

I was having a game of poker with the lads from the garage and ended up with four jacks. “Sorry,” I said to them, “but you can have them back when you come up with the money.”

My wife was mocking me calling me stupid today. If she thinks I’m going to marry her now she’s got another thing coming.

Very.co.uk: More gifts than ‘you know who’. Not surprising, Voldemort doesn’t seem the Christmas type.

I saw a sign today saying “CCTV in operation.” I hope it’s nothing serious.

If practice makes perfect does that mean emo’s are the best at cutting birthday cake?

I pitched an idea to organise days out plane spotting for the blind. They couldn’t see it taking off.

My wifes leaving me because i always copy her. So i packed my bags and left.

If the theory of evolution was really true, wouldn’t you think by now Ethiopian children could catch flies with their tongues like lizards?

I got a letter in the post today telling me how I got on in my recent IQ test. The results were negative.

As I stood in the pouring rain, shovel in hand in the dead of night I thought, “This is a stupid time to be gardening.”

My doctor said to me, “You have to stop smoking”. I said, “Why?” He said, “Because it’s illegal and you’re stinking my surgery out”.

I just phoned my mate and said, “Fancy going to the pub tonight?” “I can’t” he said. “I’m skint and I don’t get paid until next week.” I said, “I’ve got some money on me, I’ll buy a few pints.” “Are you sure?” he said. I said, “Yeah, of course I’m sure, see you next […]

My wife accuses me of refusing to answer her questions. Don’t ask me why.

“When one door closes, another door opens.” I knew I shouldn’t have wasted money on this car.