Category: stupid

I don’t understand why Physicists say that it’s impossible to produce anything faster than the speed of light. I just recorded a video of my torch light and managed to fast forward it without any complications.

My best friend just got a tattoo of an abacus on his face. I can always count on him.

My mate said to me, “I want to tell my new girlfriend that her feet stink, but I don’t know what to say.” I said, “I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes.”

My mates got one eye brilliantly disguised as a pirate. Its not a patch on the other one.

Two ninjas walk into a bar Or do they?

Under instructions from my boss, I’m setting up my own home office. The first thing I’m going to do is crack down on young offenders and sort out the immigration problem.

I’m more confused than a Welsh postman.

My wife doesn’t like it when I dunk into my cup of tea so I’ve agreed to stop. It will be a relief to not have to apply antiseptic cream onto my foreskin afterwards as well.

“We don’t always see eye to eye, but I want you to know I love you like a brother. Well, maybe not a brother. More like a cousin. Or a step-nephew.” “Gee. Thanks, dad.”

My girlfriend and I were just about to bang in the shower for the first time ever, when she said to me: “If you had, one shot, one opportunity. To seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment. Would you capture it?” And then I slipped.

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Judge Judy. “OBJECTION”, I screamed.

I treat my wife like a ‘magic 8 ball’…. I shake her violently until I get the answer I want!

A customer at the Tesco’s fresh fish counter marvelled at the fishmonger’s quick wit and intelligence. “Tell me, Fishmonger, what makes you so brainy?” “I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” the fishmonger replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you […]

Had a letter from the Job Centre asking me to attend an interview at the Benefit fraud department. I thought that’s a bit strange, because I didn’t even apply for a job down there.

That’s the 6th time this year my grandad has got drunk and crashed his mobility scooter. He just doesn’t know when to stop.