Category: stupid

My motivational tutor just said, “Everybody stand up for what you believe in!” I said, “What if it’s comfortable chairs?”

Was having breakfast in my pants earlier, but it was a bit of a nightmare. The milk kept dribbling out the holes I put my legs in.

I bought my wife a self-cleaning fur coat today. It was made out of cat-skin.

I often put laxatives in my dishwasher to help relax my bowls.

My mate just asked, “What’s the best way to pick up a woman?” I said, “Bend your knees and keep your back straight.”

Who’s this band, “Missing Dog”? I keep seeing their posters out in the street…

I was driving down the road the other day, and a light turned on that said “Check Engine” I pulled over to the side of the road and popped the hood. Cool……. Still there.

I asked this person in a pub where they were from. “Where am I from? Is that supposed to be racist, I was born in London, and so was my mum. My dad came here when he was younger, and I have worked hard to establish myself as a member of the community!” Last time […]

That sign in public toilets that reads “Please leave this bathroom as you found it.” confused me for years. Until my boss pointed out that it’s not applicable to the cleaner.

Playing Chinese Whispers at the Town Cryer’s convention was doomed from the outset.

Scooping your boxer shorts up off the bedroom floor with your feet and effortlessly catching them in your hand, thinking you should be in the Barcelona starting 11…. You know you’ve done it.

Everyone comments that I wear odd socks every single day. But honestly try them, pitta breads are just so warm and comfy.

After cooking my dinner last night I noticed that the final instruction was to ‘Stand For 2 Minutes’ How stupid is that? By the time I eventually sat down I’d nearly eaten it all.

I just ordered a cup of coffee from a BP gas station. The attendant spilled it. Why am I not surprised?

My girlfriend wanted some spiked shoes, because she felt they would make her run better for a charity sprint. So I laced her trainers with Rohypnol.