Category: stupid

Whilst driving my new girlfriend home I said, “You know I really like you, why don’t we pop down a dark lane and make love in the back seat?” “Sounds good to me!” she giggled. “But I don’t know what our mothers would ever say to it.” “OK,” I said turning round, “Doreen, Mum, you […]

You’ve heard of quack and croakaine. But what gets lizards high? Mariguana.

The Queen knocked on my door earlier! She said, “I just fancied meeting some random people.” I told her my head was made of cheese.

I love my cliche advent calender. Every time a door closes, another one opens.

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because my wife cooked me dinner and I was 3 hours late back from the pub.

I got pulled over for speeding in my smart car today. The copper was so impressed, he let me off without even giving me a ticket.

The missus swooped in & grabbed the tv remote declaring “Time for my soaps!” “Aww love, I was looking forward to the wrestling!” Anyway, we compromised, I held her in a head lock while Corrie was on.

My old primary school music teacher was involved in a bad accident, so I went to see her in hospital. “She’s in a coma” said the doctor, “But she’s getting better”. “How do you know?” I asked. “One finger, one thumb keep moving. One finger, one thumb keep moving….”

My girlfriend says I only think about myself. Do you know how much that hurts me?

My mate said, “I’m thinking of moving somewhere with better scenery and nice countryside. What are your views?” I said, “Well from my bedroom all I can see is a traintrack and a few fields.”

After thinking about it all day, the wife finally decided to give me a christmasy nag and moan. It was a mulled whine.

A lot of people ask how me and my wife have managed to maintain a happy marriage for twenty years without things starting to go stale. It’s simple really. Every Friday evening at 7:15 p.m, we do something spontaneous.

I was walking down the road when I saw a few lads lifting a large box. I could see they were struggling so I went over to help. “Come out” I boasted, “It’s all in the knees.” “Just go away!” they shouted. “I’m only helping” I said, spitting on my hands and lifting. The sheer […]

After hearing the Police’s appeal for the rapist to come forward, I spent hours wrestling with my conscience and decided that tomorrow I’d do the right thing. And play cards with my paranoia.

My wife and kids couldn’t sleep last night because of the constant sound of police sirens and helicopters. At 3am this morning she screamed something but I couldn’t quite make out what she was saying through all the noise. An hour later I turned around and saw her standing in the doorway clutching the hands […]