Category: stupid

I jokingly said to my blonde girlfriend, “I got you a new solar-powered sunbed Darling.” “Great! Where is it then?” “Outside.” “I can’t see anything.” She said, walking back from the window. “Seriously? You can’t miss it. It’s that big green square beside the path.”

Premature greyness is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

“I made a new discovery at work today,” I said to my wife with a chuckle. “You’ve worked at Land Rover for a week, and that joke’s already wearing thin,” she groaned.

My girlfriend complained, “My legs are stiff and I can’t bend my knees.” “No wonder,” I said, “you’ve got a ladder in your stockings.”

If you ever buy one of those knives off the shopping channel that can cut a tin can in half, don’t test it out on a spray paint can. Been cleaning the kitchen for 6 months. Well, the wife has.

Traffic alert: For all vehicles travelling towards worksop on the A35. Please note the A35 doesn’t go to worksop

So Heather Nova has written a song remembering the asian tsunami victims bless her. Think maybe callin it “higher ground” is a bit much though!

I bought myself a camper van today. When I put my tools in the back it says, “Oooooo be gentle’.

I was listening to my headphones for the best part of five minutes before I realised I had left my I pod on the bus.

I asked Bing what the chemical formula was for TNT, and my laptop blew up in my face. I’ll have to use safety Googles next time.

Mirrors don’t lie. Lucky for you, they don’t laugh either.

You can tell a lot about a person just by reading their emails.

I had my hair done by the Grim Reaper…. Glad I survived that brush with death.

I secretly think that people in wheelchairs are transformers that broke half way through transformation.

When I went to the records office to record our sons name I still had my wife’s final words ringing in my ears. ” make sure it’s memorable unusual and not kevin.” KJ58CDS wasn’t what she was expecting but at least our number plate is now a personalised.