Category: stupid

I was going through my couch looking for stuff the other day, and I scored huge. I found a bed!

My son really wants a puppy and im starting to see the upside, I hate animals but i suppose it does give me something to eat in case of an apocalypse.

After an argument, the wife always applies some war paint and a headdress. It’s just her way of putting on a Brave face.

I was in a rave when someone asked me what tunes do I like, “The Blackcurrant ones are my favourite, what about you?”, I said.

Me and the wife sat up for hours trying to remember what the opposite of a day is. Eventually we called it a night.

I got sent to prison for stabbing my wife 324 times. I only meant to stab her once but I couldn’t turn the electric carving knife off.

Million dollar idea: ask one million people for a dollar.

I said to the wife, “I wish you wouldn’t smoke in bed.” She said, “But a lot of people do.” I said, “Not bacon they don’t.”

I saw a poster that said, ‘Do you want help giving up smoking? Ask Your Doctor!’ So I made an appointment and asked him. He said, “Thanks, but I don’t smoke.”

You know when dumb girls get excited and flap their hands near their ears? I’ve figured out what that is… That’s how you refill an airhead.

My wife’s fed-up being a golf widow. She fancies a change of sport.

Every Ash Wednesday, I like to imagine that as the priest smears ash on the congregation’s foreheads he whispers “Simba…”

After just 2 days I have lost my new job as the marketing manager of Nestle. They gave me a 3million advertising budget and told me to spend it wisely or lose my job. I pulled up in my Ferrari this morning and said, “I’ve decided to lose my job.”

Not only am I never buying the Kerrang again but I’m never going into that shop either as the staff were laughing at me. I bet one of them kept the air guitar I was supposed to get free with the magazine.

The charity event I organised for Victims of Gun Crime has met with some criticism. I don’t know what people have against paintball.