Category: stupid

I invited all my friends to a late night swinging party. Sadly the playground gates were locked.

I tried to suffocate myself last night. It didn’t work, I couldn’t breathe properly!

I was very impressed at some of the efforts in the London riots today Some of the kenny from south park costumes were spot on!

Got a tattoo of a digital watch on my wrist. I regretted it literally one minute later.

My party piece is to stick a condom over my face and blow it up over my head….I took it to new levels tonight using a used one.

Playing Zynga poker on Facebook is equivalent to playing the national lottery home board game.

I was at the gym this morning, and I spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat. Tomorrow I might switch it on.

As the policeman brought me into the room to identify the notoriously violent and vindictive thug I had seen half killing a dozen men, I couldn’t help thinking…. Shouldn’t I be on the other side of this two-way mirror?

What do you call a Calf after its six months old? Seven months old.

I went to the dentist today to have a tooth removed. Before he started he put on some headphones. I said, “What have you put them on for?” He replied, “I bought some cheap anesthetic that should be strong enough, but I’ve put these on just to be on the safe side.”

If there is one thing that gives me great comfort in life, it’s knowing that, during a power cut, somewhere there’s an old person stuck halfway up the stairs on a stair lift.

My son’s tooth fell out yesterday. So last night my wife asked me to tiptoe into his bedroom and replace it with a 1 coin. I did try but unfortunately he woke up as I was doing it. Must’ve been the taste of the superglue.

I’ve never met my Dad. Mum told me he died 2 years before I was born.

Real interview taken from the news:- Copper: “The suspect has been shot and is receiving treatment” Reporter: “Is he still armed?”

My wife thinks my methods for punishing the children are ” cruel and archaic”. She need’s to be careful, or she’ll be next on the Ducking Stool.