Category: stupid

A policeman knocked on my door last night. He said, “A man was badly beaten up in the pub last night, he has a fractured cheekbone, a broken nose and 2 black eyes.” “Really?” I asked. He said, “Yes, we think it was you.” I said, “Well it wasn’t me, look at my face.”

This woman came really close to me at work today and whispered in my ear: “Call me, Dave… I’ll be waiting.” “Ok Dave” I said, “but what are you waiting for?”

You know youre a geek when you look at a CD cover and think, “I have that font.”

Due to this unseasonably warm weather, I’m off to a beer garden…. I’ve always wanted to seen how it’s grown.

I just read a book about hoovers….. The end sucked

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

In Diana Vickers’ debut single she says “I’m only going to let you kill me once.” Someone needs to follow that up before someone explains to her the in and outs of life and death.

The lift was broken so I took the stairs …..that’ll teach ’em

I had to report my colleagues for spending all of their time at work on Facebook. “I’ve never been on there once!” I said proudly to my boss. And that’s when Mark Zuckerberg fired me.

My mate said that if you come across a group of Chavs late at night, you should shine something bright at them to make them run. I don’t think my phone was quite bright enough though.

Knock Knock. “Who’s there?” “Agad.” “Agad who?” “Push pineapple shake the tree.”

I’ve just finished doing 200 push-ups. It took me 4 weeks.

Even with barbecue sauce, this barbecue tastes terrible.

Who performed the world’s first emergency c-section? Moses.

The girlfriend told me things needed to “change dramatically” if our relationship was to last. You can only imagine how angry she was when I burst into the bedroom that night dressed as the Phantom of the Opera