Category: stupid

When Jean-Luc Picard had some spare time from the Starship Enterprise, he enjoyed working on his little farm. Some of the equipment was old and poorly maintained. He had huge problems getting the seed drill to work and eventually had to call a mechanic. The mechanic tutted, “It’ll cost a bit to get this working. […]

I looked down at my son and said, “I’m watching you like a hawk!” He said, “Dad! How did you learn to soar around in circles like that?”

I’m so hungry. I think it’s starting to affect the way I bacon sandwich

I walked in after smoking half ounce of weed to find my mum standing arms folded in the kitchen. “Oh my god!” She shrieked, “i’ve read about this red eye in my drugs leaflet, you’ve been smoking drugs haven’t you?” I had to think fast, “Don’t be silly mum I don’t do drugs,” I replied, […]

Sky News: “Emergency services were afraid they could be swamped by a torrent of melted ice.” I believe the technical term is “water”.

My wife is divorcing me for being stupid. I know I’m not the sharpest star in the sky but I’m not stupid

I saw a plastic surgeon the other day. I’m hoping for one made of flesh and blood the next time.

I don’t know how we managed without the internet. In the days before Wikipedia, I had to go to the actual library to carefully cut pages out of the Britannica and replace them with ones full of glaring factual inaccuracies.

When I came back from my shopping trip empty handed earlier, the wife said: “What’re you doing? I told you to get a pair of shoes with some laces.” “I tried to” I said, “but all of the shops said they’d prefer cash.”

My wife bought one of those blankets which has sleeves. “This is great,” she said. “Do you want one?” I replied, “No thanks,” as I took off my dressing gown and put it on backwards.

I dropped my son at football training last night. My wife went mental. She looked at the lump on his head and said, “He’s 6 weeks old, you should’ve left him at home.”

I’ve just been enjoying watching the missus in a bit of “girl on girl” action. She got into a fight with some tart over a trolley at Sainsbury’s.

I was in the pub when this bloke asked me if i wanted to buy some steroids… I said no thanks…my stairs are strong enough already

“Oh my god! Somebody help! I’ve turned into a giant!” “No Dave. It’s 5-a-side. Now get back in goal”.

I thought my dog was by far the best when it came to playing dead.. Then he started to smell really bad.