Category: stupid

My friend said I have the body of a celebrity. That Johnny Vegas bloke must be a stud.

I got the last seat on a crowded bus when an old lady got on. Someone said, “look at the poor woman without a seat,give it up for her” so i cheered and gave her a round of applause.

My wife said to me the other day, “Is it just me or does the world seem a smaller place?” “Try looking through the right end of the binoculars,” I replied.

This new magazine was turning me on so much. I couldn’t help but let out a loud moan of pleasure as I shot my load all over the centre pages. As I stood there, out of breath, and sweating heavily, I realised that I love my job in construction too much. And, I’m never allowed […]

I picked up the board game Trivial Pursuit in a shop yesterday. As I put 1000 down on the counter, the cashier looked at me and said, “Sorry sir, but this money is only for Monopoly.” “Oh right,” I said, putting it back onto the shelf, “Do you have Monopoly in stock?”

I was in the pub last night and there was a clock sat at the bar having a drink. He said he often comes in to unwind.

Why are good looking women never clever? Because otherwise they would be men.

Doctor, Doctor, My left arm’s not right

I bought a box at the local football club to use for hospitality to entertain clients. It gets crowded sometimes, usually at corner kicks.

Two Drums and a Cymbal fall off a cliff…. Badoom Boom Tshhhhhhh

I got a taxi back from the airport last night. As I got out the driver said, “That’s thirty quid please mate.” I said, “I’ve only got Baht on me.” He said, “You must have some english on you?” I said, “Nope, unfortunately my money is all Thai’d up.”

My American friend asked me if I understood what ‘math’ is. I said, “Yes, It’s a spelling error.”

I just came back from a country where it’s extremely hot and damp. There it’s just like being in a damp, heated sports arena. It’s called Indoornesia

Looking at the sea of faces, eyes filled with panic, crushed together in fear of their lives, Scouse voices shrieking out, I felt that I was reliving the horror of Hillsborough. Then I remembered…. I was in Matalan.

BBC news: ‘Rescuers may have killed hostage.’ Not exactly rescuers then, are they?