Category: stupid

I complained to my wife about the state of our sofa this morning. She said, “Do you wanna throw for it?” I said, “Yeah, go on then, heads.”

True Story. A friend of a friend works on the checkout in a supermarket. She was having particular trouble finding the bar code of the last item on the conveyor belt. She turned it upside down and turned it left to right, but no joy. At this point the patient man leaned over and gentle […]

I sent a message to bet365 today. It read, “So what do I do on leap years?” I’m still awaiting a reply.

I’ve planted several trees in our lounge. I hope my wife likes how I’ve spruced it up.

I was walking with my mate the other day and said to him, “Do you know Fat Chinese Eddie down at the snooker club?” “Fat Chinese Eddie? I don’t think I know him,” he replied. “What does he look like?”

The Sun: Britain’s Number One Benefit Cheat To all those people that said I’d never make it. Number one in the country. Whose laughing now?

My wife said she’s leaving me because I’m an ‘absolute weirdo.’ I was so shocked I almost dropped the dead penguin I’ve been carrying around for the last two months.

I was watching The Wire on my tv today. It was decent until it ended at the plug.

I’ve got a terrible headache. I think I’ll have to stop drinking… ..and crashing my car into trees.

Sir James Dyson’s inventions suck.

I was really drunk coming home from the pub last night and I took a wrong turn too fast and ended up smashing into a brick wall. I broke my arm, nose and collar bone, but it could have been much worse if I’d have been driving.

If you plug your headphones into the “AUX IN” port of your stereo, people can hear what you think.

I’ve just bought a set of knuckledusters. My knuckles have never been cleaner.

I sent my girlfriend a text. “When I get home from work I want you to give me head” “Could you be a little more romantic x?” came the reply. “When I get home from work I want you to give me head next to a candle”.

I tried grilling a chicken at lunchtime. “Right, I’ll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?”