Category: stupid

I just backed a horse in the bookies. The manager looked at me and said, “You can’t do that mate.” I said, “Why not?” He said, “Horses are not allowed in here.”

Scientists have just deciphered a suicide note left on a wall from the Ice Age, it reads: Goodbye cool world

Being an alcoholic, suffering from amnesia. I can’t remember the last time I had a drink

I’m worried. My father told me that if I didn’t do well in my exams, he would put a child lock on babestation.

I called over the air stewardess and said, “Sorry to trouble you, but I’m trying to relax and this young kid behind me keeps screaming and hitting me on the back.” “I’m not surprised,” she replied, “That’s his seat and you’re squashing him.”

My sat nav packed up the other day and I got lost. Luckily I saw a fork in the road. This enabled me to ask the driver of the cutlery lorry, which was upside down in a ditch, which way the A1 was.

Our baby son is due at the end of the month. We’re going to call him Bill.

Isn’t it a bit obvious when your enemy sends a threat letter to your house saying, “I know where you live”.

My mate came over to my house and complained how nerdy I was. I spat my tea out in shock. Luckily, I’d fitted polythene covers on the sofa earlier in the day.

I was stood at the paper stand in Asda earlier reading the Daily Mirror when a woman from customer services came up to me and said, “It’s not a library this you know!” So I started reading it as loud as I could at the top of my voice.

I think my Grandad’s getting a little senile. Just the other day, he gazed upon the sea and remarked: “When I were a lad, all this were fields”.

I said to my wife, “Can I ask you a question?” “Sure,” She said. “Thank you for your time.” I replied.

I went to an 80’s retro disco with my friend last night and he said, “This is great, I’m having a ball.” I replied, “Well if you’re having that then I’m having the DJ decks and his 7 inch vinyl collection.”

I told my mate my girlfriend hit me the other day because I can’t stop doing cat impressions. “Your joking!” he replied laughing. “What did you say to her?” “Me? Ow!”

You’d better watch out, You’d better not cry, You’d better not pout, I’m telling you why, …actually forget it, he doesn’t exist.