Category: stupid

For nearly a week now I’ve had a man in my garden singing, “Figaro, Figaro, Figaro.” I won a tenor on the lottery.

Apparently changing your name to “The Terminator” is enough to get you fired. Gynaecologists are way too serious.

We had our family dog put down this morning as he was too old. The vet estimated that he was about 112 years old. Which I later worked out to be 784 in dog years.

I’ve decided to invade Madeira – piece of cake…

BBC news: 1 million dollar coin sells for 4 million at auction. I can’t help but feel they got ripped off.

“False information” spelled backwards is “False information”

Me and my wife were having our tea last night, and for some reason we ended up having a food fight. I had the last laugh, when I threw the sword fish at her.

I just got on a bus with a bloke who works for Tesco. I said, “Come and sit next to me mate.” He said, “I offered to take the shopping to your car.” I said. “I know you did, my car is on my drive.”

As I was beating my wife on the wii, I thought to myself, Maybe I should abuse her on a more sensible surface.

Shorter and stubbier than fingers, with only one per hand is my rule of thumb.

I was in prison the other day, and there was a rather fit blonde bird in the opposite cell. She smiled and winked at me and said ‘What’s your number babe?’ I looked down at my shirt. ‘436,’ I said.

People keep saying i make too many predictable jokes To get to the other side.

“Frankly,” I said to my mate, “I think your name is Frank and your parents added the ‘ly’ by mistake.”

I was watching T.V earlier when I thought, ”Maybe I should turn this on?”

My wife took a pregnancy test this morning. She failed and now she’s not allowed to have children.