Category: stupid

My wife had just made my dinner and asked if I wanted any salt and pepper on. I said “Sure, If we don’t have any LL cool J”

Don’t you just hate it when people look over your shoulder when you pee? I don’t know what’s so interesting about my backpack anyway.

I’m not saying my brother’s stupid, but he thought Stigmata was Juan Mata’s Swedish half-brother.

If Colonel Gaddafi has been in charge of Libya for 42 years, how come he’s still only a colonel? I reckon he’s missed a trick there.

I’ve just read a book on Stephen Hawking. He kept telling me to get off his knee.

My boss came out into the office and said to me, “If you’re going to fart, make sure you go to the toilet.” So on my next fart I followed through.

Why is the corner of a room the warmest part? It’s 90 degrees.

Okay, so I’m eating out with the wife at some restaurant and I’m sporting my new Van Heusen dinner jacket. I happen to be quite proud of it, but she just wouldn’t stop moaning… “I just think you look… silly, you look silly” She said, tucking into her salad. “What?! Cost me 120 this did…” […]

My wife complained that I never do any decorating around the house. So to shut her up I got stuck in for two days solid, and I must say the place looks much better. It’s amazing the difference a bit of tinsel can make.

When I was a young child I was randomly kidnapped and it has scarred me for life. So I have decided that I am going to build a Time machine, Travel back in time and hide the younger version of myself away from ever being kidnapped.

Sky News are currently running the headline “Shannon’s ‘Aunt’ In 43k Benefit Fraud Rap”. Seeing this sort of thing must fill poor Shannon Matthews’ head with so many questions. Mainly “Why do all my relatives’ names come in quotes?”

As the judge read out my conviction sheet, he said the GBH charges against me were looking bad giving I have a history of violence. I don’t see what my DVD collection had to do with the case.

I stole a set of ladders today when I was out for a walk. Although I didn’t realise until I got home that they came with a free window cleaner at the top of them.

Today has smashed all records by being both the hottest and coldest day of the year.

Why did the stickman go to jail? Because he was black.