Category: stupid

My mate just phoned me and said, “I done 26 miles in 4 hours today, what do you think?” I said, “I think you need a new car mate.”

I went for an interview today. The interviewer said, “Tell me a bit about yourself.” I said, “Growing up I always wanted to be an American wrestler.” He said, “Right, what stopped you?” “I’m English.” I replied.

I haven’t slept for ten days… because that would be too long.

What happens when you throw a yellow rock into a purple stream? It makes a splash.

Don’t you hate it when people ask a question and then give their own opinion about it? I do.

My friends got so annoyed with my constant describing of situations through bad jokes they threw ice-cream all over me and left. They desserted me.

I was in the hospital and was a bit lost so I asked a porter, “Could you tell me where the psychiatric ward is?” He replied, “The psychiatric ward? Certainly sir, it’s round the bend.”

I got a watch for my birthday that’s engraved. It says, “You truly are the greatest person in the world. Happy birthday.” I got myself a card too, but I don’t know where I put it.

I’ve just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.

Arrogance and hypocrisy are the two worst human traits and I see them everywhere I look Except in me because I’m better than everyone else

I was standing outside the off licence earlier when I stopped some bloke who was going in. I said, “Excuse me mate, can you buy me some alcohol please?” He looked at me and said, “You must be old enough, surely?” “Yeah I am” I replied, “I just don’t have any money.”

Paddy was in the swimming pool when the time-up call for green wristbands went. “Hey!” He shouted to the Lifeguard, “Oi’ve only been in fer foive minutes, here.” The Lifeguard sighed, “Sir, if you took off your blue goggles, you’d see your band is actually yellow”

I was moved to tears at the zoo today. A black family were quietly watching the chimps in their cage. It was like a scene from ‘Schindler’s List’.

“I’m sorry,” said the gynaecologist, after completing his examination, “but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very delicate operation.” “Well,” said the young lady, “couldn’t you just change the batteries?”

When I gave my wife a penguin bar as a birthday present she looked up at me and said, “Is this some kind of joke?” “Yes,” I replied, “and on the inside there’s a chocolate covered biscuit.”