Category: stupid

As I crouched behind the counter trying silently to indicate to police – ‘The burglar’s in the bedroom’ – parts of my life flashed before my eyes. Mainly, my family telling me I’ve always been horrible at charades.

“2” I said. “4” replied the wife. “6 and 8” I said. “10, 12 and 14” she replied. Our weekly ‘shout out random numbers game’ was quite an even contest this week.

How many Microsoft windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb? three! one to change it, one to ask you if your sure you want to change it, and one to ask you if your sure your sure you want to change it.

If you watch Cinderella backwards its a story you’ll know nothing about because you weren’t facing the T.V!

I’m going to grow a beard! I’ve already bought a young Asian boy with a bit of a moustache, to get me started.

I started dating a math teacher a couple of weeks ago she turned round one night and said to me “You know you’re really stupid, I have no idea why I’m with you, i bet you don’t even know what pi is!” “I know you eat too much of it” I replied.

I got in in trouble with my boss at DFS today. Some weird looking bloke sat down on one of our sofas and I tipped it upside down knocking him to the floor. My manager immediately came over and said, “You must never take strangers off suites.”

A new episode of The Muppet Show is going to be broadcast and it is full of nothing more than film and cinema reviews. I sincerely hope they get rid of Kermode the Frog.

“Mum, I’m leaving home!” I burst out. “That’s fine darling” she said. “Aren’t you so supposed to try and convince me to stay?” I pleaded. “No. I think it’s the right thing to do” “I don’t believe this” I screamed. “You don’t love me anymore” “Of course I do” she replied, “But please stop calling […]

We’ve got a new origami machine in the office where I work. Well, it used to be a printer until I took a hammer to it.

I’ve just set fire to my neighbour’s car. That’ll teach him for saying I don’t take criticism well.

My wife said to me, “You are literally too stupid to insult.” I said, “Thank you.”

I wanted to fit in with all the cool, “gangsta” type kids on my estate, so I got myself a beanie hat. However, they just laughed and threw eggs at me when I showed up with my Heinz endorsed beret.

The good news is that a newspaper has described me as a ‘cult’. The bad news is that it was the Guardian.

Unfortunately at no point during my workday does anyone ever have cause to shout my name and then toss me a sword.