Category: stupid

I was so pleased they were giving out free chocolate bars with each newspaper today, but I was furious when I found it had completely melted. But then again it was in the Sun.

I walked in from work earlier and the wife asked me if I would start with the tea. So I squared up to the lamb chops.

If nuns have a religion, do you think they are more stupid than they look.

I got stopped by a policeman tonight. He said, “I’ve stopped you because I consider you to be a hazard to everyone else on the Motorway.” “Sorry” I muttered, “Was I breaking the law?” “Yes” he bellowed, “Now get off the bounce hopper.”

Apparently David Beckham has been given a free transfer. He’s going to put it on his arm alongside his real tattoos

EU bureaucrats have banned drink manufacturers from claiming that water can prevent dehydration. Definition of ‘hydrate’; to add water to. Timmeh!

I climbed a staircase today. In hindsight, I probably should have just walked up it.

I remember very clearly the day my teacher told me: “Steve, you will never amount to anything, and you will get nowhere in life if you can only count to ten!” I sure showed him yesterday when I got a job as a boxing referee.

How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb? They won’t change it, they’ll just wait for it to burnout and then follow it around for 40 years.

I always sleep in my clothes. Every night my wife says “Get out of the laundry basket!”

I always keep a spare key hidden under my rug. I’m less likely to lose my wig than my coat.

Before the race, my coach told me to run like I’ve never run before. So I fell on the floor and started flailing my limbs in the air.

Before me and three acquaintances were gearing up to rob a bank we decided we needed code names for each other. “How about we use our own names but spelt backwards,” I asked, “Too easy to crack do you think?” “Yes, Bob,” came the reply.

My wife is an excellent driver. That has to be my best one yet.

I let my mates tyre down last night… I was supposed to have a few beers with it after work.