Category: stupid

There was an incident involving my local shopping center with robbers, The Police sealed off all the exits, but the robbers escaped out of all the entrances

I went to the clock shop today and said, “This clock you sold me loses fifteen minutes every hour.” The shop owner said, “Well there is a sign in the window that says 25% off everything.”

I don’t trust gyms at all, if you can get fit and lose weight… How come it’s always packed with fat people?

I think all the not so scary monsters hang out at the back of marathons and pretend all the athletes are running away from them.

A mate’s just been round showing me a moneybelt he bought on the internet for 100. What a waist of cash.

I said to my wife I’m just of to the shop to get some smokes. She shouted out to me “can you get a pint of milk…… No wait better make it one of them big pints!” I don’t know what I’m going to do with her.

This morning my wife said, “I wanna fry up in bed.” So before I left for work I tied her to the mattress and put the heating on full blast.

I’ve just read somebody’s application form for a job in McDonald’s. In the box next to telephone number marked STD, she put chlamydia.

I phoned my boss. “I won’t be in today. I’ve got food poisoning.” “Nasty,” he replied. “Do you know where you got it from?” “Yes. Food.”

I’m not an unreasonable person. I just don’t see the point in reasoning with anybody when I know I’m right all the time.

I don’t get taken seriously at work, I feel I may cry. It’s like the kids hate my baloon animals.

I overheard this in the cafe earlier: “Can you stop listening to our conversation?”

I’m visiting friends in Northamptonshire at the weekend. Looking for things to do I thought I’d check out the website for Towcester. It’s terrible – full of pop-ups.

A recycling shop in our area will buy your old clothing for 50p per Kg The wife’s Louis Vuitton handbag collection should get me at least 2.50

When I was 11 I told my mum I’d been saving for a skateboard and I finally had enough to go and buy one. But she said she had a brother who died in a horrible skateboarding accident when he was 15. So she said I could just have his.