Category: stupid

I phoned my doctor this morning. I said, “Everytime I talk to somebody I make wild animal noises and I try to encourage them to make the same noise”. He said, “Okay, can you bear with me please” I said, “Come on then, you go first”.

I was arrested at the weekend. The police knocked on my door and said: “We have reason to believe that you have been posting jokes on websites about the Holocaust.” I replied, “What Holocaust?”

I saw a woman walking in the torrential rain last night, so I stopped beside her and said, “Would you like to jump in?” “No thanks” she replied. “Are you sure?” I asked, “It’s been raining for the last 4 hours and it’s going to get worse.” “I’m fine” she replied. “Suit yourself” I said, […]

Does anyone know where Concentrate is? I’ve been drinking this lovely orange juice from there.

My girlfriend just a minute ago “Who sang that song ‘Hey Hey we’re The Monkees’?”

I took my dog for a check up at the vet’s today. He’s still a dog.

Three blokes walk into a pub and one of them is being a bit stupid and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Just bought myself a Drag Queen size bed. The sheets tuck themselves in.

I just saw a tv program about the chilean miners and how they are struggling with all the fame so obviously a tv program about them will be really helpful

Where do you put the toe tag on a dead person with no legs?

I thought I saw a unicorn in a field the other day. Turned out to be a horse with a cornetto stuck to its forehead.

My girlfriend left me because she said I never make sense. I don’t get, if I don’t make sense then why are there so many badgers in my fridge?

When I was on holiday in Florida I drove to a petrol station and asked for 5 dollars worth of ‘gas’, the guy behind the counter farted then gave me a receipt!

I went to the cashpoint this morning and saw a message on the screen saying, ‘If you notice anything suspicious around you call this number’ After having a quick look over my shoulder, I called them and said, “I’ve just seen my neighbour getting into another blokes car.”

I’ve recently started work as a mobile mechanic and drive around in a tow truck all day. I don’t know why I need a big truck, most of the time I just change the battery or wiggle the Sim card about.