Category: stupid

My old teacher was incredible at history. He knew the date of every battle, the wife of every king, the winner of every war. Shame he taught Biology.

Due to my experiences you get a total different reaction when you say “What a cutie” if it is to someones child or if it is to the guy next to you in the urinal.

Where will you always find a helping hand? At the end of your arm.

If only my Granddad could see me now, we would have a zombie apocalypse on our hands

My dad died and left me his entire estate… I don’t know what I’m going to do with all the houses

I’ve just been the witness to a bank robbery. When the police where asking me what I saw, I said, “Well… I saw a man walking up the high street wearing a ski mask and carrying a sawn off shotgun, which I thought was weird as it hasn’t snowed in ages!”

I informed my wife months in advance that I wanted an Xbox for my birthday, nothing else, just an Xbox. Even after all of this, she ended up getting a framed picture of me and her. Which is cool, because for her birthday, I’m gonna get her an Xbox.

I hate it when you go to a party and don’t know anyone else there. Maybe I should start going only to the parties that I’ve been invited to.

My mate’s heart stopped beating so I immediately started to think of ‘Bee Gees: Stayin Alive’ in order to aid resuscitation. It didn’t help though. I started dancing and forgot to carry out the CPR.

I walked up to reception in the hotel and said, “Sorry, but I forgot what room I’m in.” “No problem, Sir. This is called the lobby.”

As a kid all I ever wanted to do was run away to the Circus. Now I’m here, I can’t really see the attraction of Picadilly.

I’ve got a friend called Natasha, but we all call her Tash, because she doesn’t wax her upper lip.

1 Step Forward And 2 Steps Back … Not The Best Way To Cross The Road !

“Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer” Unless they are hedgehogs.

The other day, I realised that I had a lot of growing up to do, whilst sitting in my fort.