Category: stupid

There is now a facebook group called “I’m not posh I just speak better English than you.” Shouldn’t there be a comma there?

My wife says she’s tired of my lying and macho behaviour. It’s not my fault I was sent to do military service aged nine.

Seeing figures of speech being used correctly is like music to my eyes.

I just did a “fill up and run” in the local petrol station. Now I’ve just got to wait until they close tonight so I can go back there and pick my car up.

Somebody just rolled their eyes at me. So i picked them up, and rolled them back!

I’m sure my mates like me but sometimes I don’t understand them. Like, just this morning I looked in the mirror and they had written ‘TNUC’ on my forehead. What does that mean?

The RSPCA just arrested me for riding my illegally kept unicorn up the high street. Apparently, it’s cruel to glue a funnel to your cats forehead.

I’ve been having really dark thoughts lately, like “I wish I could afford electricity.”

I’ve got a sister in Australia, and when i call her there’s a slight delay on the line Because she’s a bit thick.

I love being Schizophrenic. I managed to do a Mexican Wave today all by myself.

When I was at school, I once had to do homework on historical landmarks of England. I remember nearly falling to my death from the top of St Paul’s Cathedral.

Due to recent petrol prices, it feels like I’ve spent more time at the pumps than I have been actually driving lately. Maybe I should stop putting in 50p a time.

I can’t believe my luck. I have just become a millionaire and it was so unexpected. Just when my life was going down the drain with this recession, God gives me a gift. Now maybe I can repay my loans and start afresh, once the company lodges the money into my bank account. And to […]

I’m giving up playing board games for good. I never win at Scrable

The boss phoned and yelled “Are you still asleep?…. You should have been here two hours ago!” I said “Why….what happened two hours ago?”