Category: stupid

The wife just told me the kids next door had died of malnutrition after being left home alone for weeks by their parents. “Well, I checked in on them, but they seemed alright. In fact they were planning a holiday” I said. “What? When was this?” she asked. “Last week. I knocked on & asked […]

I was in Tesco today when I noticed a little old man struggling to get something from the top shelf. “I can’t reach it, I can’t reach it” he kept saying to himself. I walked over and said, “I can do that.” I took my shoes off, knelt down on top of them and said, […]

If Baker Street was the first underground station, where would the trains have run to?

I bet you I can give up gambling for lent.

I done a few chin ups with my mate today. We went up to people in the street and told them that life isn’t that bad.

It’s weird how shampoo says ‘for external use only’. It’s like, you know what, I really feel like my liver could use a good wash.

I tried smoking crack once, it tasted of burning pubic hair.

I put an ad in the local paper for my golf clubs. It said, ‘Happy Birthday Golf Clubs! Love Dave x’.

I’ve tried to get into the Guinness Book of Records 1,254 times but… oh, hang on.

I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go, makes me feel like a bomb disposal expert

Albert Einstein once said, “The important thing is not to stop questioning”. I wonder what he mean by that?

I’ve been told that I have to see a doctor about my apathy. I don’t see any point in going.

My mate just asked, “How would you kill Spiderman?” I said, “With a giant shoe.”

I always like to keep a bat under my bed. Just incase someone wants to come along and film a nature programme.

My first attempt at boiling an egg went terribly wrong… The chicken died!