Category: stupid

I had football training on an all weather pitch last night. It was terrible. 10 minutes of rain, 10 minutes of snow, 10 minutes of sunshine………

Whenever I set the voice on my sat nav to ‘Bon Jovi’ it just keeps telling me “We’re half way there”.

I can’t begin to explain my fear of starting things.

After the longest time, my son finally came out of the closet. “It’s about time…” My wife said to me “…you locked him in there 3 days ago.”

I tried to spin a bloke round by his false leg the other day for a bet. I think I pulled it off.

Building a treehouse is killing a tree, and then making his friend hold up his dead body

Yesterday a Marilyn Monroe chest x-ray sold for $45,000. Meanwhile, my dr’s note saying I have a mild case of shingles just sits on e-Bay.

“My name is Bambi, son of a murdered mother, husband of an endangered foal, I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.”

I was doing a crossword puzzle the other day and one of the clues read: “A child molester.” The word was five letters long, started with a P and ended with an O. Now how did the The Times know my name was Pedro?

I was just playing a game of online Pool. When suddenly Michael Barrymore turned up and drowned me.

I didn’t punch you, your face is just so awesome that I had to brofist it.

When I die, I’d like the word ‘Humble’ to be written on my statue.

If a Glaswegian asks you, “So ye think ye’r the ‘Big’ man, eh?”, best not to reply, “No… I think that was a young Tom Hanks.”

Government Message – ‘Check Your Smoke Alarm On A More Regular Basis’ Sorry but I can’t see anyone breaking into my house to steal my smoke alarm, it hasn’t even got batteries in it.

Came across a charity today called ‘Computers for Africa’ Surely someone should have founded a ‘Mains sockets for Africa’ first?