Category: stupid

I fell out with my German neighbour, so I dumped an old wash basin on his lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Last night my wife said to me, “Can you flick the telly over?” I said, “Probably not, it’s a lot heavier than it looks”.

I bought myself a steam cleaner and I’m really pleased with it. I’ve never seen such clean steam in my life.

I’m the coach for a local Sunday league football team. We call ourselves Masturbators United. Last weekend, I was trialling a new centre-forward. Unfortunately he was too soft. So I pulled him off.

“Look, can’t we just sit down and talk about it like civilised human beings?” Which pretty much sums up the reason why my MMA career was over before it ever really started.

A guest on Jeremy Kyle: “You wouldn’t care if I survived or lived!” I swear they’re getting smarter.

I asked my son if he was involved in the recent riots. He promised me that he wasn’t, and that he was only out of the house for his new job. It must pay well, he’s already got a new TV, laptop and mobile

After years of research, Irish scientists have announced why the dinosaurs went extinct. It’s because they all died.

I went on an 8 week course to cure my fear of spiders, but I quit after the 5th week. Now I’m afraid of tri-pods.

Nose constantly running? Feet smelling all the time? Then you were probably built upside down.

I’ve just come back from camping and I stayedin the same socks for 5 nights. I couldn’t afford a tent.

I remember when I used to get on the bus with my dad, and he would tell me to say I was under 5 so he wouldn’t have to pay my fare. In the end I decided to start walking to work.

I walked into a newsagents holding 2 posters and a glue gun. I said, “Stick em up.”

A group of kids laughed at me today because I was pretending to be a pelvis. I was only trying to be hip.

Why does Chris Eubank wear a monocle? Because he can’t ask for spectacles.