Category: stupid

I watched a TV programme that apparently only idiots would enjoy. I couldn’t understand why though, because I really liked it.

Why has Ed Miliband got three black people sitting next to him on the front benches? He needs a Shadow Cabinet.

I absolutely hate French jokes. I can’t read in French.

As I pulled off the drive today, my neighbour ran over to my car and screamed, “Stop Dave, Stop!” I opened the window and said, “What’s the matter Mavis?” She said, “Your baby is on the roof.” I said, “Blimey, that was a close one, thanks Mavis.” As I stepped out of the car I […]

I’ve got one kid at school, and the other one is asleep, so I can actually watch something on TV that I want to watch for a change. Five episodes of Balamory back to back.

I’m now getting branded a pervert in my area. Just because I lost my new puppy in the park.

My mate told me how excited she was when she mananged to get pop star and new x factor judge Gary Barlow into bed, and joked about how she wanted him to relight her fire. Her excitment soon faded, turns out he only took a minute girl.

I joined a club for loners. I made a friend so we both got kicked out.

I’m so glad that Nik Naks have brought back Scampi and Lemon flavour. Now when I touch up next doors 12 year old daughter, I’ve got the perfect excuse to give my wife when she smells my fingers.

I used to love it when my Grandad let me ride on his handle bar. I’d scream as I held on tight. It wasn’t the same when he shaved it off.

I called my dog ‘The Fury’, just so I can unleash it.

For dinner tonight I have large cod & chips which I’ve just bought from the chip shop with some beans. I had no money, so I told the guy behind the counter that they were magic beans.

My new dustbin is too small. I can’t get the old one in it.

“Emergency, which service?” “Water board please. I’ve been cut off. I need water urgently.” “Sir, the 999 service is for genuine emergencies.” “Yeah, but my house is on fire.”

I almost got a job in the special forces, unfortunately I missed out on the last question! They said ” You have a bank occupied by 5 heavily armed terrorists with over 50 hostages, What are your preferred tactics?” I said ” I like the orange ones!”