Category: stupid

I was doing a crossword when I asked the wife for help: “7 letters, starts with N, ends in I N G, means zero. Any ideas?” I asked. “Nothing springs to mind” she said. To be honest, I don’t know why I bother with the thick cow.

I can tell my girlfriend spends too much time on her mobile phone texting people. She turns her head sideways now to smile at me.

I phoned my wife today and said that I was taking our son swimming. She said, “Okay, but make sure that he wears a coat or he’ll catch a cold.” I don’t know why I listen to her. Now we’re on our way home and the poor little git is soaked.

I walked out of Tesco today and I saw an old lady struggling to get on her mobility scooter with 4 bags of shopping. I said, “Do you want me to take it to your house for you?” She gave me her address and said, “That’s very kind of you.” I said, “No problem, you […]

I’m a bit like a dead anteater. I don’t eat ants.

The singer David Lee Roth is reported to have been killed trying to hitch a lift after a concert. Witnesses say a white Ford transit hit the Mr Lee Roth killing him instantly. Police have issued a warning to others on the dangers of van hailing

My ladder isn’t speaking to me. I was carrying it in the garden when I lost my balance. It hit the roof.

I told my wife,” I’ve been making the same parts at the motorcycle factory for six months now and they won’t let me make anything else.” She said, “Why don’t you make a stand?” “You haven’t been listening have you? I’ve been making the same parts at the motorcycle factory for six months…”

The first thing I did when I woke up this morning was go and relieve my bladder. The brave thing had been standing guard all night.

I was staring at a woman trying to breast feed on the bus today. She said, “You’re a really weird bloke.” “Why?” I asked. “Because I’m staring at you?” She said, “No, because you’re trying to breast feed a baby.”

I hate movies with a twist. They won’t fit in the DVD player.

I was sitting at a table with two birds and I said “Do you want to come back to my place?” “Which one of us are you talking to?” “The one that says yes.”

I took a rare painting of the seaside to a local art dealer… “Would you like to tell me about its background?” He said “Yes, it’s a rolling sea with a lovely blue sky” I replied

My mate asked me to name one of the Kaiser Chiefs “Wilhelm II” i replied.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like: How did a milkshake manage to develop a gravitational pull that was gender specific?