Category: stupid

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Today is Columbus Day. I was going to get a curry to celebrate, but somehow I ended up in a McDonalds instead.

My mates all think I’m really gullible. Last week I paid 3,000 to some Irish bloke to tarmac my drive, but once I’d handed over my money, I never saw him again. I wasn’t best pleased. I was looking forward to having a driveway up to my second floor flat.

Listen to me carefully, I will say this only once. This.

Can we have an updated Sickipedia disclaimer please?

I can never understand women these days. Probably should have learnt to speak Chinese before moving to China.

I just saw some bloke dressed as a gorilla buying bananas, vaseline and condoms in Asda which I thought was really strange, as he’s usually buys them on a monday from Morissons.

Patrice Evra will not be handing out Christmas Cards this year. People who know him will either be receiving the race card, or have an imaginary one waved in their direction.

For me, coming out as a teenager was the hardest thing I’ve experienced. God knows what it must have been like for my mother. Being in labour for that long.

Prince William: 100% royal. Kate middleton: 0% royal. I guess their son will be the real half blood prince.

My son is so stupid sometimes. I’m just glad he’s not mine. Well, not geographically anyway.

I completely knackered my lawnmower going over some old bones behind the shed. That’s when I remembered that I’d grown bored of playing hide and seek with my kids.

What do you call a French potato that smokes? A Paris Piper.

Some stupid fitness instructor just told me I’m not doing the star jumps correctly. I nearly fell off my chair.

I’m the kind of guy that likes to tease his house plants by watering them with ice cubes.