Category: stupid

I was walking my dog today when I came across a bull stuck in an electric fence. I think it was charging.

The mother in law is coming around for her tea tomorrow. She absolutely loves my lamb dinners. So I’m making a roast salad.

After all I’d been through I couldn’t take anymore, I sat in my car in my garage and attempted to gas myself. It didn’t work though, I guess I should have eaten more than just one tin of beans.

Do you not hate it when you get an erection in the most unexpected places? Take tonight for example. I had one, in my bed, with my wife. How strange is that?!

I saw a vigilante tramp catch some criminals the other day. I think his name is Hobo cop.

I’m a firm believer in precautionary measures, so I always pee on children when I go to the beach, just in case they get stung by jellyfish.

I hate it when commuters step on my toes during rush hour. Maybe it’s time to start wearing shoes.

After my visit to Egypt, I wanted others to see what I had, so I put some Toblerone chunks by an ants nest.

Flying back from America the other day and they were showing some awful in flight movie. It was so bad, six people walked out.

I was driving along when a few young lads ran out in front of my car chasing a football. That’s the last time I take a shortcut through the park.

My dad is quite famous in the TV world. He never stops telling us how he voiced both the dog in Wallace and Gromit and Sooty.

I used to frown upon cosmetic surgery. Until the surgery made it impossible to do so.

I just read my daily horoscope today, and couldn’t believe it came true. It said I will live my life as normal and nothing out of the ordinary will happen.

Paddy thought he’d struck gold with his new metal detector. It wasn’t until he’d dug a 60ft-deep hole that he realised that he was wearing steel-toe boots.

My mum ran off with the milkman when I was eight years old. Watching them drive away on his float were the worst three hours of my life.