Category: stupid

When your ears are burning it means that someone is talking about you they are usually saying ‘he’s on fire’…

My wife suggested that we go to Switzerland on holiday this year. I’m really scared because I have a knife that belongs to the Swiss army.

My wife gave me a sandwich and said “This has half the fat, half the protein and half the calories of your usual sandwich”. Well, I say sandwich, it was more like half a sandwich.

I went to a fancy dress party last night. The invitation said: ‘Come As Whatever You Want But You Must Take Your Role Seriously All Night!’ I went as a snail. Got there at 9am this morning.

I’ve always wanted the best for my kids, so when it came to school I was determined to ensure that they got the best education. When their applications for the top girls school in the country were turned down, I demanded an explanation. “Basically Mr Roberts,” they explained, “We just think that Martin and Geoff […]

I walked up to a bloke in the pub who I thought I recognised last night. I held my hand out and said, “Gary, how are you?” He shook my hand and said, “Dave, not bad thank you Gary.”

You know who hates it when people answer their own questions?.. Me.

Everyone thought Uncle Bill was daft going into that hospital for a nervous breakdown, but it did the trick. Three days later he had one.

My wife said to me, “Sorry to hear about your dad losing his hearing love.” I said, “It’s ok, I wouldn’t bother mentioning it when you see him though.” “Why, is he taking it bad?” She asked. I said, “No, because he can’t hear you.”

I went out of business last week. I ran a snack van in Bradford and I thought I would be on to a winner, but I just couldn’t sell anything. I mean, who doesn’t like bacon rolls?

Every day I like to dress up as a Nun wave around an imaginary lightsaber. It’s a force of habit.

My mate always says something stupid half of the time.

Question at the quiz last night: “What is the worlds smallest ocean?” our answer, “Billy”.

I haven’t seen any ninjas today. I don’t know whether to be thankful or more worried.

I’ve heard the new 3DS doesn’t work if you close one eye. I guess Nintendo must be coming down hard on pirates.