Category: stupid

I’ve started my new job as a bus driver and I can’t help but notice how friendly the public are. When I drive past them at the station they always wave at me.

I’m normally frank and ernest on my first dates with women … But sometimes, just to be daring, I call myself Colin

Me and the wife had a game of draughts earlier. She opened the window, I countered by leaving the back door ajar.

I recently bought my wife a ring that she had wanted for years, only to find out it didn’t fit. When I took it back, the guy at Curry’s said we’ll have to get a whole new hob.

My mate told me he’d read a survey where they said the youth of today are influenced by and commits crimes because of video games Yea we had non of that in our day I replied as I swung a big ball attached to a chain at a Hedgehog I’d painted blue.

I went to the opticians and said, “I think I’ve got double vision. I keep seeing two blokes with moustaches.” After he stopped laughing he said, “That’s not double vision. That’s Chucklevision.”

I just saw a sign outside the cinema in our local arts centre: “Out of Africa”. I didn’t even know they sold deodorant.

2 cats were talking when the female said, “Just look at all these bills we’ve got to pay and we’ve got no money whatsoever.” The male cat replied, “Yes, our finances look bad now, but just remember, we always land on our feet.”

A reward of 10 million Ugandan dollars has been offered for the capture of the notorious Joseph Kony. That’s right, if you capture Joseph Kony, you could find yourself 63 pence richer!

My wife is addicted to takeaways. She’s taken away my confidence, my dignity, my self-respect, my money….

The past year has been pretty traumatic for me. First I found out that the tooth fairy didn’t exist, then I found out that superman isn’t real and my parents were lying to me about Father Christmas. And if all that wasn’t bad enough already, I’m starting to suspect that the bloke on the rice […]

I’m American, and I know we and the British have our differences in spelling words, but one has always puzzled me. Is it spelled Iraq or Iran?

As I came downstairs this morning my father turned to me and said “Have you made your bed, son?” “No, dad. You bought it.”

I was sitting on a packed bus this morning when an old lady got on. She looked at me and said, “Do you mind if I sit down?” I said, “Of course not, but I must warn you, I have an erection.”

I went round to see my sisters new baby today, “He looks just like you” I said “I know, we’ve got the same nose” she said “No” I replied “I meant by using his eyes”