Category: stupid

Just found out my girlfriend isn’t coming round tonight after all. It is a bit of a relief because my wife on the other hand has decided to stay in.

My best man walked over to me after giving his speech at my wedding: “How was that mate, was it okay?” he asked nervously “Honestly mate, you reminded me of a brilliant actor with the way you delivered those lines” I replied “Oh really?” he said looking flattered “Yeah, Colin Firth in the King’s Speech […]

Tonight’s programme ‘The history of strobe lighting’ may contain flashing images…

“Did your Grandfather have any children?” – Fern Britton

I said to one of the customers in the restaurant last night, “Excuse me sir, but do you own the pink VW Beetle outside with leopard skin seat covers and fuzzy dice hanging off the mirrors?” He replied, “Yes, why is something wrong?” “Yes, everything about it.”

Up until a very late age, i would only pull a funny face for a few seconds, just in case the winds changed.

I had a running race with a disabled bloke last night. As he was running I noticed that his arms fell off. Then his legs, then the rest of his body. He finished just ahead.

A woman stopped me in the street this morning. She said, “Do you know anything about cars?” I said, “I know a bit.” She said, “Could you look at mine and see what you think?” I said, “Of course.” After inspecting the car for about 20 minutes I said, “Yeah, it’s quite nice.”

My mate Dave was watching the TV when he pumped one fist and shouted “Go on city!” He loves watching the financial channel.

I’m trying to become a vegetarian, so right now I’m only eating seafood, like lobster and drowned cows.

Customer: “Can I have the fish and chips please?” Waitress: “Would you like the normal one or the signature one?” Customer: “who signs it?”

If everyday is a gift, then today was socks.

A face can say many things. Especially the mouth part.

I bought a packet of those ‘Everlasting Gobstoppers’ as a child, and twenty-five years on they’re still going strong. On closer inspection, it turns out I actually bought a packet of marbles.

Improve the quality of your junkmail by always ticking the ‘over 60,000 income a year’ box on surveys.