Category: stupid

The customs officer leans in the open window of the car: “Alcohol? Cigarettes?” “No thanks, just two coffees please.”

“Sorry Babe. I can’t get the day off work for your Mum’s funeral” I said. “The boss isn’t interested in sob stories” “But you run your own company!” she replied. “I know. Sometimes I refer to myself in the third person”

Don’t throw those out! Expiry dates are merely a suggestion, like late fees and traffic lights.

I hate my job. Everyone always seems to be upset, tears streaming down colleagues faces. I think I’ve worked at this onion ring factory long enough.

My womans not bright. She got an AM radio took her a month to realize she could also use it during PM.

I called my boss at work. “Sorry, I can’t come in today” I said. “I’ve been hugging the toilet all night. I feel exhausted”. “No problem” he replied. “I hope you feel better soon”. Can you cure loneliness?

My wife said, “I’m leaving you because you keep repeating film quotes. I’m fed up of it. You’re just not taking us seriously any more.” I said, “I am… Spartacus.”

I was thinking of getting a statue made of myself but I’m worried it could look a bit big headed.

I’v just had a can of E150, Sweetners (Aspartame, Acesulfame K), Phoshoric Acid, Flavourings (Including caffeine), Preservative (Sodium Benzoate) Citric Acid containing a source of Phenylalanine…. Or Pepsi as some people call it.

I bought a packet of Coco Pops at the corner shop. Not saying they were out-of-date or anything, but when I poured the first bowl a little dinosaur fell out.

My brash, amateur magician brother said he could easily do the ‘catch the bullet between his teeth’ trick. That’s the first and last time he’ll shoot his mouth off.

I was having a meal with my girlfriends mum & dad last night when I stood up and said, “I’m going to quickly pop outside.” My girlfriend said, “Don’t pop outside, it’s rude.” I sat back down, let out a huge fart and said, “Okay.”

I’ve got Alexander Graham Bell’s telephone number. 1.

My wife had to pop out and she asked me to keep an eye on our dinner in the oven. Just sitting there watching it burn didn’t seem to please her.

I was very young when something terrifying happened, my dad said he was just going to pop upstairs. Then he went upstairs and popped…