Category: stupid

I was walking through town with my tool box earlier and thought I’d throw a spanner in The Works… A member of staff was seriously injured.

Last night my girlfriend said, “Why do you always insist on rubbing me up the wrong way?” I stopped sucking her knees, I took my fingers out of her mouth and said, “What are you talking about?”

Describe yourself using only 3 words. Smart, Clever, Genius, Intelligent

I just bought a magic 8 ball. It was only afterwards that I found out I didn’t actually want one.

Everyone noticed my new shoes in town today. I knew it was a good idea to go out naked.

I walked into the pub with my dog, grabbed a pint and sat down in the corner. My mate walked over and said, “What’s the matter, have you two had a row?” I said, “No, his face is always miserable like that.”

I came home from work to find the wife having a good old spring clean… I don’t know why, it’s not like anyone looks inside a mattress.

I get a lot of stick for collecting bits of tree.

I bought a new mousepad last night. I don’t know why I care for my rodents so much.

When my dad was a young bloke, he apparently didn’t conduct himself very well. Mind you, it was rather difficult seeing as he was a one man band.

Statistically, 100% of kebab jokes are really falawful

I went to a clown convention today. I didn’t like it though. Everyone was giving me funny looks.

My grandad died during nose reduction surgery. I’m taking things positively. At least the coffin lid will be able to shut properly now.

I was running late for work this morning so had to quickly jump in the bath. Took me ages to mop the water up.

There’s nothing worse than hospital food. Unless of course, you’re in hospital.