Category: stupid

BBC News: Monkeys display ‘self doubt’ Could be true, but at the end of the day I’m pretty sure I’m not a monkey. Or am I…

Fool your Neighbours into thinking it was windy during the night by sneaking out at 4.30 in the morning and pushing their wheelie-bin over.

warmgasheaters .com sounded so promising- turned out they were selling stuff to keep your house warm

You know you’re a 16 year old boy when your mother asks you for a tissue and you hand her a sock.

I’ve just painted 5 coloured circles on the bonnet of my Mondeo. Hopefully, I’ll be able to use those new Olympic lanes now.

I was totally stumped when someone asked me what the word ‘ham’ would sound like without any vowels. “hmmm” I thought to myself.

I’m exactly three years away from being a millionaire.. This time next year, it’ll be four.

My boss just found me asleep under my desk at work. He said, “Firstly I never want to catch you sleeping during work time, and secondly I want you to get your desk off of this scaffolding”.

I went downstairs this morning and my wife and kids weren’t there. I thought to myself, “That’s strange.” Then I saw a note stuck to the fridge that read: ‘Enjoy the tart (Your bit on the side)!’ I think she must be going crazy, unless my dog has eaten it.

“We’re locked in!” “Okay, I’ll need vaseline and some hairpins.” “You know how to pick locks?” “What? No, I have chapped lips and my hair looks terrible.”

I was driving down the M1 the other day and a police officer stopped me and said “Do you know you going 80 Miles Per Hour in a 60 zone?” I said “that’s impossible I’ve only been driving for 5 minutes”.

I’m absolutely brilliant in bed. Yesterday I slept in until 2pm.

The Irish have just created a new parachute. It opens on impact.

My wife brought me a medallion steak the other day. I haven’t the heart to tell her its starting to make my neck smell.

My boss is so stupid sometimes. But I suppose if he was any smarter, I wouldn’t have a job.