Category: stupid

I worked as a mail-man in Kathmandu for 3 years. I’ve never been the same since I came home I think I’m suffering from post Nepal depression

Only in England do they exclude you for skipping school, and in doing so, send you home.

My girlfriend and I are tying the knot tomorrow. At this rate we’ll have our tent erected by the end of the week.

Every day for the past 10 years, I’ve always managed to get in a couple of pints at lunchtime. The dairy farmer has now realised and reported me to the police for the theft of 7300 pints of milk.

The wife keeps complaining that I’m spending a lot of time smoking crack. Well she’s wrong. Yesterday I spent ten hours chasing a miniature elephant around my living room.

I have a secret that I’ve hidden for a long time… I like Children. I’ve have a hidden folder on my laptop just in case someone sees it and I haven’t told any friends in case they shun me. I’m just going to have to face it… Liking Robert Miles’ music just ain’t cool any […]

I saw a woman walking alone in the street last night so I stopped beside her. I said, “Can I give you a lift home?” “No thanks, I’d rather walk” she replied. “Is it because I’m a stranger?” I asked. She said, “No, it’s because you’re on a Segway.”

The wife just accused me of over reacting, so I spontaneously combusted.

I’m sat on the toilet and have just finished the last toilet roll. It should be enough to get me in the Guinness book of Records. Unless someone has eaten 10?

My Dad always taught me whatever happens to keep both feet planted firmly on the floor. Twenty years on I’m dying to change my underwear.

The police are concerned about the increase of ‘drug-driving’. Too right they should be! Last night I was almost run down by a car being driven by two paracetamols.

I went on Mastermind, my specialist subject being Arnold Schwarzenegger. At the end of my time Magnus said, “Well, you failed to answer a single question on your specialist subject, but thanks for playing.” I replied, “That’s true, but in the words of the great man himself, ‘I’ll come back.”

I find word games really difficult. At the moment I’m stuck on H_NGM_N.

What’s the sound people make when they reach the limits of their intelligence? God.

I bought some PG Tips today. I’d better not let the kids see them without me being there.