Category: stupid

And people said that I couldn’t make an omelette without using my hands. Well, now who’s got egg on their face?

I’ll never forgive myself for holding grudges.

When I got home I saw that my wife had had her hair cut. “Wow.. That looks great. It’s taken years off you and makes you look completely different.” As she started to scream and picked up a knife, I realised I was in the wrong house.

There’s nothing I love more than a Friday night in with the missus and sitting in front of the T.V. So she can’t see the screen.

Most Africans, when throwing a coin in a wishing well, wish for a well.

I launched my own clothing line last night. I knew I should have taken the washing in before setting the fireworks off.

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

My boss caught me red handed sleeping at my desk and sacked me. Apparently the pillow and blanket was a give away.

Sometimes I love my job as a crash helmet tester. But on other days it does my head in.

I rang a doorbell earlier and the man that answered said “are you a door to door salesman?” “no” I replied “I’m a just a door salesman”

I was in B&Q today looking for some bathroom flooring. An employee came over to me and said, “Did you know some tiles are worth 10 times more than regular ones?” I said, “Really? Have you got any?” He said, “Yes. Here’s a ‘Q’ and here’s a ‘Z’.”

I rang the doctor because the wife’s been acting like a cat all morning, doing things like lapping milk and purring. The doctor said, “Sounds like you need a psychiatrist more?” “One’s already here, but he can’t do a thing now she’s fallen out the tree”

The Queen’s speech wasn’t too bad. I prefer the sequel with Colin Firth though.

I was just about to blow up some balloons for my son’s birthday party when my wife walked in and confiscated the dynamite.

My wife bought a ‘BEWARE OF THE DOG’ sign for the garden gate. I don’t think it’s fair. I don’t trust the cat either.